


This Broken I Got in Me

by mcgarrygirl78



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Friendship, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-08
Updated: 2012-09-08
Packaged: 2017-11-13 19:20:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/506841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“This is not me calm, Aaron.  But I'm not just worried about you and I; I'm worried about all of us.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Broken I Got in Me

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this story over a month ago and literally forgot about it. That never happens to me. It’s been so long since I've written this ship in the canon sense. I've always wanted to write more about the close relationship between Hotch and Gideon. I don’t know if I did it justice in this story but I did my best. I love all three of these characters and this time for them was quite difficult. I feel privileged just to have touched on it. The title comes from The Bodeans song, Hurt by Love.

It was just after eleven when he knocked on the door. He thought Jason might be asleep and felt guilty for bothering him. Still, he couldn’t sleep and felt like he couldn’t breathe. The weight was too heavy for him; it was time to stop carrying the burden alone. 

Taking a deep breath, Hotch knocked again. Was it possible that Jason wasn’t even in his room? Where would he be at this hour? Gillette, Wyoming didn’t have the most happening night life and even if it did Jason Gideon wasn’t the night life type.

The hotel door opened and Jason looked at him. There was a little sleep in his eyes but surprise more than anything. They all stepped away from work early tonight…decided to tackle it again in the morning with fresh eyes. A teammate coming to the door at this hour usually meant bad news. It was time to get back to work.

“Aaron, what happened?” Jason partially opened the door and looked at his younger counterpart.

“I need to talk to you. Can we talk?”

“Yeah,” Jason nodded. “Give me a moment.”

Jason closed the door and went to find his sneakers. Then he came outside. Hotch seemed a little surprised by that.

“Lets talk a walk.” He said.

“Oh um…alright.” Hotch nodded and they started walking toward the Howard Johnson parking lot.

“What's going on?”

“There's too much going on and I'm trying to focus on everything. Something is bound to be missed. I'm afraid it might end up being the most important thing of all.”

“What's the most important thing of all?” Jason asked. They stopped in front of the Coke machine. Jason slid in a dollar, got 2 cans, and sat down with Hotch on a bench close by.

“My marriage is the most important thing, my family.”

“You and Haley are having problems.” He didn’t pose it as a question because he already knew the answer.

“She hates this job. She hates that I leave her alone; thinks I put the FBI above all else. She really hates you.” Hotch sipped his soda.

“I can get over your wife hating me, Aaron. It’s not as if I didn’t know that. The other things concern me.”

“I want to talk to her but every time I even try, I fail.”

“I've never known you to fail at a damn thing.” Jason replied.

“I don't know what to say or the phone rings and I have to go. Jack was sick and I wasn’t there. Haley was really scared but I wasn’t there to comfort her. She was so angry at me and I didn’t have a response to that. What could I say? I just wasn’t there. I deserved her anger.”

“This job isn’t easy on the family. It’s not the first time we've had this conversation.”

“She’s stood by me through a lot. We’ve moved around and Haley rolled with the punches. She's always had my back.”

“What's changed?”

“Nothing’s changed for me.” Hotch shook his head. “Clearly something’s changed for her but…she keeps striking out at me. I don’t think I've ever seen her so angry. The air in my house, you can't even breathe it. Haley is at the end of her rope.”

Jason nodded, wishing there was something he could do to help. He and Haley Hotchner had never been friends. From the moment they met she rubbed him the wrong way and the feeling was clearly mutual. While he had no doubt that she loved Aaron, she also loved being the center of his universe. They'd been together since they were teenagers. 

That was 25 years ago. Life changed drastically, as it would for anyone in two and a half decades. Haley was tired of rolling with the punches. She’d clearly gone from what Gideon saw as classic passive-aggressive behavior to just plain aggressive. 

It wasn’t his place to say…Aaron came to him for an ear and shoulder. Bashing his wife wouldn’t help anything. Jason didn’t want to do that anyway. That wasn’t his nature.

“Strauss is going to for our heads.” Hotch changed the subject.

“I know. Jason nodded. “She doesn’t have anything because if she did we’d already be gone.”

“She's got an inside man.”

“Prentiss?” Gideon looked at him.

“I'm sure of it Jason.”

One thing Jason was sure of was that his team had been coming apart for some time. It started with Elle being shot and then all but losing her mind. Then came the sudden appearance of Emily Prentiss. Not too long after that they had to save Derek Morgan from being sent to prison for serial murder. A real serial killer slipped right through their fingers in the Nevada desert a month later. 

The fact that Frank was still out there, probably hunting, gave the veteran profiler nightmares. Then Spencer was kidnapped, tortured, and turned to drugs to dull the pain. It was just in the past two months that things started to even themselves out. And that was only professionally. Jason knew the scars were still there; he saw them everyday. 

He saw them when he looked in the mirror. This team was his family, it always had been. And right now his family was barely holding it together. He didn’t know if he had the strength anymore to hold it with both hands. Looking at Hotch, he didn’t know if he did either.

“Are you sure she's going to do it or do you just suspect she's been approached?” he asked.

“I think it’s been the goal since the day she showed up.” Hotch replied. “Approached is the wrong word. Strauss probably let her get comfortable and then attacked. Prentiss is likely being threatened or pressured. She’s seen plenty in her time with us. We've had a rough few months.”

“Things are getting better.”

“Strauss doesn’t care about that. You and I could face disciplinary actions or even lose our jobs if Prentiss gives her what she wants. She has a big decision to make.”

“If you're right then yes she does.”

“Why are you so calm about this?” Hotch asked.

“This is not me calm, Aaron. But I'm not just worried about you and I; I'm worried about all of us. I'm worried about Prentiss. The hell she must be going through if this weight is on her shoulders. I wish she would talk to me…if she’s being pressured.”

“What do you think of her?”

“Emily Prentiss is a brilliant agent and she fits in well with this team. I think she's an even better fit than Elle was. She’s handled treatment, behavior, and cases that might have made mince meat of lesser agents with strength and grace. She has proven herself to be a valuable member of the team as well as a friend. She's about to enter the ring for what could be the fight of her life. I honestly have no idea about the outcome. I don't know the outcome for any of us.”

Hotch nodded and sighed. Talking wasn’t making him feel better, at least not as he’d hoped. He felt like it was too late. He couldn’t save his team, his marriage, his job, or even the men dying in this town. It was just too much and Hotch didn’t think he could fight anymore. The world was falling apart; he along with it.

“After this case you should take some time off.” Jason said.

“When do I ever have time to do that?” Hotch asked.

“You need to make the time. Take a week or two…take your family away. I'm not talking about glossing it over with a fancy vacation. Go away and really talk with Haley. 

“Talk, cry, shout, get a dry erase board to write down the pros and cons if you have to. You’re a fighter, Aaron. You have been for as long as I've known you and surely before that or we never would've met. It’s time to fight for your marriage.”

“Haley might be tired of fighting.”

“So do you just intend to give up?”

“Sometimes holding on is harder.” He said.

“No one has ever regretted fighting for something worth fighting for.” Jason said. “You need some time off; for yourself and your family. The BAU will not fall apart without you. I'm here and I’ll keep it together. I promise you.”

Hotch nodded and stood from the bench. He needed to get some sleep though that was something else that plagued him lately. None of this would solve itself. Jason was right…he needed to fight or let go. 

At this moment Hotch wasn’t quite sure how to go about either. Everything had been one way for so long and now it was something else altogether. Moving backward was impossible; forward scary and unpredictable. Staying in the same place was no longer acceptable.

“No matter what happens you have more love and support than you'll probably ever realize.” Jason stood too.

“I know.” Hotch nodded again as his old friend put his arm around his shoulder. 

Jason was the one who knew it all. He was the only person Hotch could just open up to. The relationship wasn’t always mutual but it didn’t have to be. He didn’t tell Jason things so that he would reciprocate. He told him because it felt safe. 

Jason always made him feel that way. He couldn’t explain it and stopped trying years ago. That’s just who Jason Gideon was. He was the one who kept the monsters at bay. Sometimes Hotch imagined he held them off with his bare hands. 

There were times when they overtook him, almost dragged him down to hell along with them. Being the man that he was wasn’t easy. Who was there to keep his monsters away? Hotch hoped that they could do that for him, even just a little. They were the only family he had. 

“A little stability right now would be good.”

“Tell me about it.” Jason said.

They started walking back to their rooms. It would be morning before they knew it and time to get back to work. Every single one of them seemed to have something weighing on their minds besides the case. It would have to be pushed aside. In the field the victims came first; the case took precedence.

“I don't know how I'm going to make everything right.” Hotch said. “I don’t even know if I can.”

“Get some sleep.” Jason said. “I know that you can't do it tomorrow. Tomorrow we go out there and find the Unsub. I'm not going to give you the pep talk, you know the pep talk. I'm just going to give you a hug.”

Hotch smiled and almost objected but when Jason wrapped his arms around him all he could do was hold him back. No matter what Hotch did he couldn’t shake the ominous feeling in his belly. He just didn’t know what was about to happen and what it would do to him, his family, and his team. He held tighter to Jason and exhaled. Jason patted his back. Then he shocked the hell out of him by kissing his forehead.

“Get some sleep.” he repeated.

“I will.” He nodded. “I’ll see you in the morning Jason.”

The senior profiler nodded and went back into his room. He didn’t bother with lights; they'd been there for five days and he’d memorized every inch of the place. He slipped out of his sneakers, leaving his socks. The track pants came next, the University of Chicago tee shirt, and then the boxer shorts. He got under the itchy sheet and blanket naked. It only took a few minutes for his arms to be filled with woman. Jason exhaled as he wrapped his arms around her.

“Is everything alright?” she whispered.

“Yes.” He nodded.

“Is Hotch alright?”

“Yes.” Jason moved Emily onto her back and spread her thighs.

It wasn’t really her place to ask about Hotch. No matter what happened between the two men she was sure Jason wouldn’t share it with her. It had nothing to do with love and trust, neither of which Emily was sure Jason felt for her. It had to do with him being the keeper of their deep, dark secrets. He internalized their fears, doubts, and worries…he always had. 

He was their lightning rod and Emily naively thought she might be able to be his. Despite feelings, or the lack of them, she had no idea what would come of this affair. The farther she fell the more scared she got. Emily wanted so bad to tell him of the guillotine hanging over her head. She was so afraid that the team would never forgive her, whether she ratted or not. 

She’d gotten close to Derek, JJ, and Penelope over the past six months. Reid finally got his head out of his ass, cleaned up, and stopped treating her like the bad guy. They started off well, fell far, and were slowly climbing back. Hotch no longer looked at her with suspicion but like a valued member of the team. With his personality type she still wasn’t sure if he liked her or not but he treated her with respect professionally. 

And of course there was Jason. All of that would be gone if she took Strauss’ ultimatum. It might be gone anyway when they found out the true reason Emily Prentiss was on their team. Even if it had nothing to do with her they weren't going to understand that she wasn’t that kind of person. They would feel hurt and betrayed…she knew from experience that it could take a lifetime for those feelings to dissipate.

“Are you tired?” Jason whispered, kissing her gently.

“Yes, but it doesn’t matter.” Her smile was sleepy as she reached down to stroke his cock.

“Doesn’t it?”

“Make love to me, Jason.”

She caressed his face and kissed him. Jason deepened the kiss as he slid inside of her. Emily arched her back as her body opened to accept his.

“Mmm, yes.” She bit her lip.

Jason wanted to take it slow. He wanted to enjoy every minute of their bodies joined together, every second. He wanted to touch, kiss, stroke, and taste. He wanted goose bumps to cover Emily’s body and for her to quiver with each thrust.

“Oh Katya, oh God, oh God!”

She gripped his hips, spreading her legs wider, and feeling him deeper. The sex was awesome. It had been from the first time they were in bed together. Jason Gideon had a vast array of ways to satisfy her between the sheets. He could fuck her till she cried or make love to her until she did the same. He could make her come fully dressed. 

He could take off all of her clothes and make her body sing. Rough, soft, loud, quiet…it didn’t matter, it was always good. Emily was almost addicted to his body and what it did to hers. She was just keeping that information to herself. It was so easy to get lost in him, in the feelings that she hadn't felt in too long to remember. Still, accepting this as something real would be one of her many downfalls.

Emily whimpered as Jason stroked her clit in time with his thrusts. He was keeping more control this time, letting slow and steady be the way to go. She felt so good beneath him, moaning and writhing. The way Emily gripped him and called his name made him tremble as well. Her climax was strong; her body squeezed his and Jason came as well, murmuring her name in the crook of her neck.

“Jason, Jason I…”

“Shh.” He kissed away her words.

“I need to say something.” Emily whispered. Jason moved off top of her and lay on the mattress. On his side, she spooned with him. He held her close, splashing kisses across her shoulder blades.

“What is there to say?” he asked.

“So much.” Emily gripped his hand. She stroked his fingertips, his palm, and his lifeline. “I want to trust you and tell you everything.”

“You can tell me anything, Katya.”

“You'll never trust me again.” she was whispering again.

“You're trembling.” Jason said.

“I should probably go.” Emily tried to get out of the bed but Jason wouldn’t let her. “Jason…”

“Stop it.” his tone was calm. “Stop fighting and lie with me. You don’t have to say anything you don’t want to. If you want to say everything then I'm listening. No matter what you do you're going to do it in my arms, Katya.” He held her body to his.

“Is that an order, Agent Gideon?”

“Never before have I had to force you to be with me. I won't do it now…it sets a bad precedent.”

When she turned in his arms, Jason saw the tears in her eyes. She wasn’t going to cry, he knew her well. Just knowing that she trusted him enough to be that vulnerable made Jason’s heart ache. He wished she trusted him enough for the rest of it. He smiled and kissed her nose.

“Sleep Katya. I'm going to hold you and we’ll get through it together.”

“Alright.” She rested against him and held on tight.

Emily sighed as Jason stroked her hair. It was late and she was losing her will to fight. She wanted to lie down, wave the white flag, and surrender. It would be so much easier to do with Jason than with Erin Strauss.

“Hail Mary full of grace,” she prayed. “Blessed are thou amongst women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Dear God, forgive me for everything and have mercy on my soul. Amen.”

“Amen.” Jason knew she had to be in trouble if she was praying. Emily had a difficult relationship with God and religion at best. It was quite different than that of her lover, who prayed in Hebrew tonight. “May it be your will oh Lord my God, and the God of my fathers, to let me lie down in peace, and to let me rise up again in peace.”

“Don’t let go, Jason.” 

“I won't. Please don’t fall away.”

***


End file.
